Considering....

Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value - Albert Einstein

I dunno but i've been thinking about life lately (and it's not the first time in my life thinking k) and i'm wondering what i am doing about my life..
I've recently been down pes in army to Pes C which mean storeman (armskoteman also possible) but i think i would prefer those to being a rifleman. I don't aim to be successful in army or to be like the best soldier but rather i aim to help those around me the way that i can and it's not by going out there and being a RAMBO and randomly shooting. I don't like being in the forefront unless necessary. I prefer to support people from the background then i consider it's meaningful. I don't want to kill people but there is the argument that i'm helping people kill others which is something i cannot refute. BUT the thing is that anyone of us could be killers and would we consider parents feeding their children when they are young as accomplices? i'm not too sure about that either.. i'm just another confused idiot walking around..

Coming back to einstein's quote.. Man of value.. In this world of perfectionism there is really no place for such a naive person. Bosses want smart employees who can bring in profit. Teachers want clever students etc.. but there would always be rejects and faulty products of society. who are we to judge? but everyone else is judging, throwing criticism and insults. Really makes me wonder what society is now, how to be this person of value and not a person of success.

We seems soooooooo intent on success that we might neglect our values like to family, to friends to loved ones, to each other and maybe to the extend even ourselves.. i really dunno sia..
i'm really so lost and i dun want to grow up and see all this happening but i guess i have no choice..

insanity

i dunno.. the world seems like a crazy place to be in right now..
wars, materialism, doing crazy amount of fatigue work, being injured and still doing training
i think i'm getting more paranoid..

people have a problem with me smiling too much..
what's wrong with smiling anyway??
not say we have long to live.. who knows i might lose a friend or someone close to me?
want them to know that i'm happy to be with them and around them..

well death seems imminent in life.. when there is a beginning there is an end
but people seem to think that they have a long way more to go in life.. putting crazy amount of training and trying to overcome this obstacle or break that record.. they dun realised that no matter what they do, in the end, they will die and all that they have done is futile.. we are born with nothing and we will move on with nothing..
i think people should be more concerned about the people around them than the things around them.. things are incapable of loving regardless how well you treat it but if u treat someone well and love the person, i believe that the person can appreciate what you have done for him (eventually).. well even if he doesn't, at least one's conscience is clear..
is it necessary to be the best in what you do?? is it necessary to sabotage other people for the sake of one's safety/career? i may be quite useless in many things but i always believe that being able to appreciate people is more important than doing things well at the expense of another person's wellbeing(emotions/career etc)
are we really looking at ourselves and trying to change the world or are we being the obstacles.. i dunno.. i think i'm going to be a hopeless case that appreciates people

no meaning

seems like i'm quite insignificant in the larger scheme of things

currently on excuse lower limb and RMJ in army..
my right knee cap is currently out of alignment and i have tendonitis in my knee(basically the tendon is swelling) and it's painful to walk, run,jump, climb up and down stairs or simply standing still.. ppl believe i'm chao keng (feign illness) but my conscience is clear.. well up to them to think..

i dunno.. if i disappear from the face of this earth or didn't exist in the first place, would the world be a better place?? would there be one less hopeless person?? looking back, i see nothing significant in my life except some useless certs(which i wasted years getting) and valued memories of the friendships shared by those around me.. i dunno..

tell me the meaning of life then